|The Groundhog Encounter
By now I'm sure you're aware of my opinion of squirrels, if not please see my editorial, " Squirrels - The Enemy." Now I think it's important to address another member of the vermin terrorist group - the dreaded groundhog. These chubby underground dwellers are even more abundant in my territory than their delinquent cousin, the squirrel. They sit just a few yards outside my windows, spying on me, plotting to come in when my defenses are down. They want to eat my food, lay on my couch, and watch my television. That is precisely why my defenses are never down.
Usually my people do not allow me to go outside when the antagonist groundhogs are in the vicinity (I suspect them to be sympathizers of the enemy cause). Occasionally, when there is a sighting, the portly pests run as fast as their short little legs will allow, and disappear into holes in the ground. If I try to chase them, I am scolded. Once again, my family fails to realize the potential danger that I am sworn to ward off. But finally, it happened... I came nose to nose with a groundhog!
Recently, I spotted my adversary outside my window and created a diversion for my mother. I made her think I needed to go outside to... well, you know. Being the responsible family member that I am, I am allowed to go outside without the restraining device they call a leash to do what I have to do and come right back inside. She opened the sliding door and I launched my attack so fast my mother didn't even know what direction I went, and the enemy never even saw me coming until it was too late. He couldn't run, he had no hole to escape into, he froze in terror.
Because he made no attempt to attack or even put up any real fight,
I let him off easy. I just gave him a warning, you know, I stared him
down. Of course I only had a few seconds before my mother was calling
me back frantically. I don't know what she was so upset about. I took
a few steps backwards, because you should NEVER turn your back on any
vermin, they're far too devious. Then, I walked - not ran - back inside
confidently, knowing that I had successfully won the battle, and intimidated
my opponent. You see, it's a cold war I wage (unfortunately, it's not
quite cold enough for the enemy to be in hibernation). So until we meet
again... Groundhogs Beware!
[Editors Note: Kylie says she was using intimidation tactics on the groundhog, I say she finally caught up to one of them and didn't have the slightest idea of what do next. This is what her family had always predicted would happen. We were just glad she wasn't hurt. In no way, do we encourage allowing pets to chase or otherwise torment wildlife, risking harm to either of them.]
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